Spotlight: Relationships and Connection Charts
SEASON 1: EPISODE 14
Published 08/26/2020
Amy: Today, we are talking about a topic that all of us have in our lives, relationships. From the perspective of Human Design, our relationship chart is something very specific, when we’re looking at an individual chart. If you’re looking at your own chart, then part of what you’re getting to see is, what is your nature? What’s fixed about you? What’s open about you what’s flexible about you? Overall, that picture shows us something about the characteristics, the themes, and the energies that are part of your body and consciousness that don’t change.
One of the freedoms that comes with that is that you really get to see what you can just accept and surrender to in life. You stop trying to change it and stop trying to make it different, just in relation to yourself. As you accept yourself, as you align with your nature, you’ll find that as you move through life, there’s a lot less resistance. There’s a lot less difficulty. Things may not look the way you think you want them to, but they’ll fit you differently.
When we look at a relationship chart, what we’re getting to see are two individual charts coming together in a partnership. We get to see the Design of that partnership. Similarly, that partnership’s Design is its own entity, it has its own nature and its own dynamics. When we look at the dynamics in a relationship chart, we can see those as something we call mechanics. The mechanics have to do with the energy exchange and the way the themes interact with each other, the way the frequencies, energies, and characteristics interact with each other.
One of the first things that can be enlightening about looking at a relationship chart is to see that the relationship has its own nature. There are things about it that don’t change, it’s just part of the mechanics. It’s part of the nature of that entity. The freedom that can come with that is to be able to recognize that there are things in the relationship that are probably never, ever going to change.
It puts us in an interesting position of needing to face facts when it comes to the mechanics. It also gives us the freedom of being able to see that it’s nobody’s fault. What I see in a lot of couples, when they first get a relationship reading is they start to discover that there are a lot of things going on that are nobody’s fault. It’s not either person’s fault that these dynamics are this way.
John: I think the thing that you’re really pointing to here, which is so important, is this orientation of no blame. When you start looking at these relationships or connection charts, it allows us to see the underlying mechanics of the interaction. You get to see each person for who they are energetically. In terms of Type, Authority, and Definition, you also get to see the relationship that’s created when the two people come together.
As you said, you’ll see that there are specific ways that we hook each other up. There are ways that we connect, and it’s unique to that particular couple or that particular relationship. If you were to go out and have a relationship with a different person, you would have a totally different set of mechanics, most likely. You might find that you also have a very different experience of yourself in a relationship than you had in a prior relationship. You start to see things from a perspective of it not being necessarily a person’s fault, your fault, or someone’s bad or good. This is just the way this relationship works. It brings awareness to it, which I think can be really helpful.
Amy: One of the core pieces of guidance with Human Design is to use your Strategy and Authority. You use your own internal body intelligence to be able to tell if it’s correct for you to be in that relationship. It doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy and perfect, but it means that it’ll be correct for you. You’ll be able to know that through your own Design, through your own personal Design.
Then, you also get to see what you’re saying in the nature of the relationship itself. Each one has its own set of challenges and strengths. Each one has its own sets of things to explore things to work with things that feel good things that are painful. That’s true in any relationship. As you’re saying, with each different relationship we have, we can see what these different dynamics are touching on.
John: Something else that I think is important is this idea of entering into a relationship correctly within the context of Human Design. That means following one Strategy and Authority as a tool to work with in terms of how you’re entering into situations, or how you’re engaging with people in this world.
For a Generator, it would come through responses. By letting something come to you, rather than you going out and trying to initiate a relationship, for example. If you’re a projector, it’s going to be even more specific, you’re waiting to be seen and recognized for who you are. Then, you’re invited into a relationship where you can show up as yourself and not try to be something different than you are or have to compromise yourself as you’re going into the relationship.
It makes a lot of sense on a very common sense, mundane level. If you’re entering into a relationship, and you’re not clear on who you are, or who the other person is, if you’re trying to prove yourself or you’re making a decision, or going into a relationship, marriage, or bond for your family, community, or culture, that may not be correct. It’s setting the tone for the entire relationship. It’s a really important consideration. All of this is how we are entering into relationships. Are we entering into the relationship with an awareness of self and the other as they actually are?
Amy: That’s a really interesting piece because I’ll see people ask all the time, especially when they’re encountering a new relationship, who might want to go to an analyst or look up the charts online and say, “Oh, is this going to be a good relationship? What kind of Design should I be looking for?” There are things in that kind of analysis that can give you some clues about what the dynamics and the relationship might be like, but really it’s only your own internal response or awareness about the interaction that can tell you if this relationship is right for you.
I think the big thing that becomes a real problem in relationships is the same thing that becomes a real problem for us as individuals. It has to do with conditioning and imitation. I think a lot of the issues that we encounter as individuals come from taking in a certain amount of conditioning from society, family, or past relationships. It makes us think we’re supposed to be a certain way. “If I can make myself conform or imitate the model of something that I think is the best way to be, then that’s how I can get through life.” When we get into that kind of dynamic with ourselves, we lose touch with our own nature.
In the same way, we live in a culture and society, no matter who you are or where you are, that has very specific ideas about what a relationship is supposed to be. The funny thing is, in most cases, there are a very small handful of options. For relationships, it’s sort of like, you have your lifelong partnership, you have your familial sibling-like relationships, you have your parental-type relationships, and you have your co-worker relationships. If you really look at the models that we set up in society, there are a very small handful of variations there.
For each one of those, we have this idea of what the ideal is. Some of those factors interfere with us being able to see the relationship for the unique thing that it is and appreciate it for what it is. I think one of the big ones is the idea that if a relationship is good, whether that’s a work relationship, a friendship, a partnership, or a marriage. If the relationship is good, it means that you want to be together a lot of the time, and it lasts forever. You have close contact till death.
There’s this sense of failure that people feel if they have challenges in the relationship or if there are certain things they don’t have access to in a particular relationship. If you get to a point when both people, if you’re really being honest, can tell the relationship is done for now, in this form. There’s a sense of timing, I think, that can go with relationships that we don’t acknowledge or recognize. We have this idea that it’s supposed to be a certain way for a certain amount of time. The longer and more intense, the better. The more we’re happy and light all the time, the better. These are all judgments that I think interfere with being able to appreciate the relationship for what it is and letting it live as its own unique thing.
John: I think what you’re pointing to is this tendency for the mind to grab on and hold on to try and direct your life. In other words, we end up following these mental narratives, these mental scripts that society hands us or our family hands us, and we try to adhere to them. We say, “Well, this is the way it works, it must be like this.” That’s often very different than what our natural response to something might be or where our energy naturally wants to go. It may put us in a position where we’re trying to live in a way that’s neither healthy for us nor we are. It’s not actually what we’re here to do.
We keep overriding our natural way of relating or going into things. It ends up being almost like a counterfeit. We talk about the Not-Self in Human Design. You mentioned this question of timing, if you want to look at it in terms of a lifetime, a lot of us don’t even know who we are, and what we’re here to do until we get through the Saturn Return, which often comes up at around 29/30. Somewhere in that range, we start getting a sense that if we’re living as ourselves, we have at least the potential for that at that time. However, we’re making all these decisions based on these other scripts or narratives from an earlier age.
Often in our early to mid or late 20s, we’re still working it out. We’re still trying to figure out what we’re about and what our life is. We’re making these promises, as you said, these commitments or establishing these bonds indefinitely. Somehow, we’re surprised when it doesn’t quite work out like we thought. All you have to do is go out there and look at some of the statistics around relationships, marriage, and divorce. You’ll see, “Wow, this is a big issue in our society. We’re trying to fit the square pegs into round holes.” Going back to the actual connection chart and the mechanics of it, you’re going to see as much variety in a connection chart and across to individuals as you have individuals on this planet almost. Yet, we only have a handful of these templates that we’re all trying to adhere to or force ourselves into.
Amy: I think it sets a lot of us up for a lot of disappointment and failure because there’s so much pressure and expectation. As you said, there’s so much of an idea that we carry in our heads about what a relationship is supposed to be and how it’s supposed to feel. I think the truth is that you don’t know what a particular partnership dynamic is or how it will feel until you encounter it. If we could approach it that way, with a sense of curiosity, we could give the relationship a chance to live as itself in the same way that when we bring children into the world, if we didn’t immediately impose upon them a whole set of expectations about what they’re supposed to be, we’d actually have the opportunity to be curious and discover who they are as a unique being.
When Mark Germain was with us on the podcast, he said expectations are the devil. I liked that phrase. I think it’s really true. It’s a really sad thing that I can see in a lot of relationships where both people are really suffering. They’re really actually in a lot of pain. There’s a lot of love and respect underneath it all, but they just don’t know how to deal with the mechanics. They don’t quite know how to face the truth of it together.
In some ways, I think when you get to a point where you face the truth, you might both realize this is over in this form. This form isn’t working for us. Then, there’s a chance to discover “What is our correct form and structure?” Or, “What is the correct amount of time for us to be spending together? What kind of things can we do together? What kind of things do we enjoy together? What things should we avoid with each other?” If you never let go of whatever your expectation is, of what you think that ideal relationship is supposed to be, you never get the chance to see who that other person really is and find out what this dynamic can be.
If we can let go of those expectations- that’s why it’s a huge deconditioning for us. It’s a huge process to allow ourselves that as individuals, but then to also extend that to another person and not sacrifice ourselves in the process. It’s a real journey, and I can understand why a lot of people will say that deep intimate relationships are a real path of exploration and growth. If you go after it openly and with honesty, it’s quite an adventure.
John: I would say for most people, I think relationships tend to bring in the greatest challenges and opportunities. It is for growth and awareness, especially for people who have a Design that is really relationship-oriented either like Split Definitions or Projectors. However, I would say everyone has this to varying degrees.
Amy: When you start to look at your own Design, and you look at the Design of another person, it’s a chance to see what you have in common, what you can relate to, and to recognize that there are going to be, in most cases, a lot of differences. Also, I just want to put a context around this because I think it’s important to see that we are all swimming in an ocean of a lot of mutation right now. We’re in a context where the nature of institutions, relationships, and bonds is really changing.
For any of us, if we’re struggling with this, or if we have been for a while, I think it’s important to recognize it’s not just you. It’s not just us. It’s not just my marriage. It’s not just this relationship. We’re all in this time where we’re having to figure a lot of things out from scratch. The things that we used to be able to rely on, and count on are, are changing. It requires a lot more seeing and creativity, even just to come into it with your partner.
If you’re going to look at your Designs together to see if you can have that attitude about it. It’s like we’re all in the storm together. Nobody’s trying to make it harder for anybody else, I don’t think, but I think it can be hard for us to realize that this is not just your personal problem or this is not just my partnership that’s having a problem. We’re all swimming in this sea going through a storm. We’re all just trying to find our way. I think that’s a good first attitude to have.
John: That is a really good point. It goes back to what you were saying earlier, that it’s rarely a question of love or care for the other person. It’s just entering into it from that place. We all have our issues, and we all have our work to do. We all have a certain amount of conditioning that needs to be processed and worked through. I would think it’s pretty rare, even in some of the most contentious relationships, to think that the other person simply doesn’t like you because of how they’re behaving or the tone of their voice. It’s usually not that there’s something else going on. There’s a pattern there.
If you can really get down deeper into the relationship and what each person wants, I think we’ll see that people just want to be loved, to be accepted, and to be themselves. That is a great place to start, to be able to both accept yourself as you are and to accept the other as they enter into the relationship with that orientation or that point of view holding it that way. That doesn’t happen. As you know, as much as we might think it, it’s actually pretty rare as you said, or as you were quoting Mark, expectations are the devil. That’s a big piece of it. We go into it with certain assumptions or expectations about who the other is or who we want them to be.
Looking at something like the Bodygraph or using a system like Human Design can show us pretty clearly how a person is designed to function in this world, what their gifts are, and what their traits are. What they’re not can be a huge eye-opener, a point of realization that can be really helpful and bring more awareness to those dynamics. That’s where we do start to get into some of these more specific mechanics in a chart. There’s quite a bit of detail in a relationship chart.
Amy: I think addressing that attitude piece is a really great place to start. Then, when you go into it, you’re not going into it right away with the idea that there are all these problems we have to fix. If you’re early in a relationship, sometimes people look at a relationship chart wanting to know, “Let me see what this relationship chart says so I can figure out how to set my expectations.” Just throw those out the window, come into it, let me be open, and see what I’m dealing with here. Let me see myself for who I am and see what I’m dealing with in this other person.
John: It’s such a different way of going through life. One of the interesting questions that comes up from time to time, or I’ve encountered it from time to time, both online and on social media. In talking with friends, it’s been said that there should be a Human Design dating app or something. Shouldn’t there be a way of matching people perfectly on their characteristics or their Designs? It’s understandable that people will say, “Let’s build an app for that too.” That’s kind of the world we live in.
A lot of that is the mind trying to figure it out ahead of time instead of doing what you’re saying and entering into it from this state of openness to see what it could be in following one Strategy and Authority as a way of taking you into a relationship. The mind then comes in and says, “Well, let me go and figure out what the safest or most comfortable thing is. How am I going to get what I want, and can this person give me what I want?” Some of that can be seen in the Bodygraph like we’ve been talking about, but it becomes more of a mental exercise than really trusting in life or trusting in one Strategy and Authority. In a way, surrendering to the life that you’re here to have, you’re going to get what you get. That’s a really hard thing for the mind to let go of.
Amy: As we start looking at the specifics, I think we could invite ourselves to go in with the attitude that nobody’s wrong. There’s nothing wrong with anyone. There’s nothing wrong with any individual. There’s nothing wrong with any relationship. That’s one of the things I love about Human Design, that our Design is perfect as it is. Every Design is perfect as it is. Every person has their specific place and function, given what their nature is.
Similarly, I think every relationship has its specific place and function, even if that function might end up being to not exist. There’s a place and function for every relationship as well. Nothing is wrong with you, nothing is wrong with me, and nothing is wrong with us. Let’s just look and see what’s here.
One of the first things to recognize when you’re looking at a relationship are the basic elements of the Design and where you have commonalities and differences. You can look on a really simple level from Type to Type. If your partner or the person you’re dealing with is the same Type as you, and you know a little bit of something about that, then that can be a place where there’s a certain amount of natural resonance. There’s a certain amount of natural understanding.
If there are differences in Type, I think that can be one of the first really valuable places where you can learn about what the differences are. If you know that you’re a Projector and you’re in a relationship with a Generator, then take a look and see what is that about. What is being a generator about? You’ll start to see this is a different creature. This creature has a different energetic function than I do. What is natural to their body and their energy may have a different core or basic dynamic. That’s one of the first places you can start.
The second place we could look at is emotionality, which is one of the biggest themes in looking at Design. You can notice if you’re emotional, have the Solar Plexus, or the emotional center defined, then you have emotional authority. That’s one of the first things you can notice: does your partner have emotional authority as well? Do they not? If you dive into what it means to be emotional then that can give you a lot of awareness about your differences or similarities in terms of emotionality, which tends to be a big part of romantic relationships, especially.
If you take it a step further, you can also look at the splinters. A really simple example would be to look at where you both have Centers in common. Do you both have the Sacral Center defined? Do you both have the Throat defined and those places where you both have a Center defined? Those can be areas where you can go to work things out or understand each other and find some common ground.
John: That’s a really helpful, simple tool. This idea of having the shared centers and then, as you mentioned, the Type-to-Type or Type differences. Starting there: what do we have in common? What are our differences? Can we come together in certain ways? Are we just fundamentally different in other ways? It’s a question again of acceptance.
One of the other interesting elements we can look at is profile resonance. For example, are you sharing the same Profile with the other? Is that Profile in harmony with the other? For example, a 1/3 Profile harmonizes with the 4/6, the 1 and the 4, and the 3 and the 6. You could have 2/4/6 Profiles, and there would be this natural sense of resonance in terms of the style or way of moving through the world. We have, I would say, kind of like the natural way of interacting or orienting towards life as a whole. Is it fundamentally different again?
There were the relationship themes that Ra talked about which were kind of like little rhymes. This is where when you put the two charts together, you have a certain number of Centers defined in the connection chart or the partnership chart. Each configuration has a certain theme. For example, “9 and 0, nowhere to go. 8 and 1, have some fun. 7 and 2, work to do.” They’re fun mnemonics that give you a sense of what that theme is about.
The basic idea is that the Open Centers in the connection chart tend to be areas where the individuals in the relationship can go outside of the relationship. You could think of them as doors or windows to the house. If you’re in a 9 and 0 relationship, it’s pretty contained and inclusive. Once you’re in, you’re in. There may not be a lot of going out in that relationship. Whereas if you have, let’s say, a 6 and 3 relationship, there are three different exit points to the relationship. The relationship is probably going to operate where each person is coming and going and not always in the same direction or doing the same thing.
Amy: That’s a great key to look at. It points to a bigger theme, which we can see in a lot of different aspects of Design, that has to do with how much natural space is there in any given partnership. In some partnerships, the way the mechanics work, it’s natural for the relationship to be kind of tight and consistent, for there to be a lot of contact, for there to be a lot of time spent together, even if you don’t enjoy it all the time. There’s a certain natural way that the relationship kind of holds itself together.
There are a few different aspects like what you’re mentioning. If there are multiple Open Centers in the relationship chart that tends to point to a relationship that naturally has more space in it. There’s more room in it, there are more ways, like you said, to get out of the relationship, to take breaks from it, or to have space to explore different things together, not necessarily at the same time.
We can also look at Definition. If you’re looking at your chart, you’ll see a feature that says Definition. It’ll say Single Split, Triple Split, or Quad Split; there are a few different variations there. It can also show as individuals, when the going gets tough what your tendency is in terms of relationships. For a Single Definition person, the tendency is to process within themselves for a Single Split Design individual. There’s a tendency there to move toward the relationship to work things out. There are a lot of details here and you might not catch them all.
It’s like, “If we really love each other, we should work everything out together.” Or, “If we really love each other and this relationship is good, then we should want to spend most of our time together.” “If we’re a really good fit, but we each want to go off fairly frequently and do our own thing, then maybe there’s something wrong with the relationship.” I think if we peel back those expectations and look at the mechanics of our own Design and the relationship, you’ll see that there are just different natures there.
Some relationships naturally have more space. That doesn’t mean it’s not a good relationship. It also doesn’t mean that it might not be one that you keep coming back to. In some relationships, we kind of part ways and come back together in a particular kind of frequency. As you said, there are just times when you actually enjoy spending a few days, weeks, or months apart, and then you come back together. I think for most of us, we would think that’s a problem, that there must be something wrong. It would be natural for us to want that kind of space from each other or to have that kind of movement in and out of the relationship. That might be a problem, but if you look at the Design itself, you might see “Oh, this is just this is what’s natural for us. Can we explore that and see what it’s like if we don’t choose to see it as a problem? We just let it be what it is and see what happens.”
John: Yeah.
Amy: That’s hard, it is hard. Not only is it hard because we have our own judgments and expectations to deal with, but what other judgments and expectations are we dealing with? Everybody around us, the people who love us, the people who want good things for us, our families, or our close friends, might all have their ideas of what kind of relationship they think you should be having. They may think we should just listen to them and do what they say and then everything will work out really well. I think that’s great. I mean, we’re laughing about it, but it’s a great thing to bring attention to.
Again, I think it’s another way that we can see that we’re all in this together. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s like here we are. If I’m in a relationship with someone, and I’m trying to figure out what this thing is about. “I love about this person but certain things really don’t work or we get these certain stuck loops and we can’t get out of them.” It works sometimes like this but then it doesn’t. Not only am I trying to fix this with the person I’m in a relationship with, but at the same time, I’m dealing with my own mind all my judgments and expectations, everything I’ve been taught. Then, friends, family, and whoever’s around me have their opinions about whether or not it’s good or bad.
I think even in that to look at your partner and just recognize, “Wow, this is kind of an uphill battle. This is this is a lot to be swimming in and sorting through.” You’re really trying to get down to the foundation of what the truth of who we are is and how we connect. Can we find our way with that? Can we help ourselves to stay focused on that, and let it be between us and not necessarily about what everybody else has to say about it? That’s a huge challenge, but I think it’s a really worthwhile one.
John: I’d like to touch on a couple of other things. For anyone out there who has looked at relationship charts in Human Design and dug into that area a little bit, one of the things you see there are these different types of Channel configurations between the two individuals and how they come together in the partnership chart. There are really four different types of configurations that we can see. There’s one in particular, which is really worth some additional discussion. So I wanted to bring that in today.
We have what are called Dominance Channels, Companionship Channels, Clectromagnetic Channels, and Uncompromised Channels. I’ll quickly go through each one on a very surface or overview level.
The Dominance Channel is when one person has the whole channel, and the other person doesn’t have any part of that channel and doesn’t have either Gate in that Channel. That’s just an opportunity for the person who doesn’t have either Gate in that Channel to look at the person who has the whole Channel. You learn from it or admire or appreciate just who this person is. To be able to see it in a way that doesn’t feel like there’s a competition there or like anything necessarily needs to be done about it. Either you like it and it works for you or not.
The thing I want to say too is there’s really no good or bad in any of this. As we’re talking about these different Channel types, and you’re listening and thinking, “Well, that Dominant sounds negative,” or, “Maybe it sounds good that we have that.” It may or may not be. It’s up to whether it works for you and if it’s correct for you. There is no inherently good or bad moralistic statement that we can make on any of this. We can see these things as describing how the relationship operates.
The Companionship Channel is where both people have the same Channel. It’s maybe a little bit like the situation we mentioned earlier where you share a center or a couple of Centers in the Bodygraph there. It’s a type of common ground where you both carry this frequency part of your life force. You can connect or relate on that level. There’s a sense of, “Oh, we were both like this.” There’s this situation where we tend to be attracted more to what we have in common with others; we get attracted to similarity. Oftentimes, we get attracted to differences. We get attracted to what we’re not, maybe even more so. The Companionship is the first situation where there’s a similarity there, and we can relate in that way.
Now, the Electromagnetics. The third category that we’re discussing is where each person has one half of the Channel, one person has one Gate, and the other person has the other Gate. Together, you create that life force, that Channel. The relationship will begin to express the frequency of that Channel even though the individuals don’t have that in their Design or their birth chart.
The way Electromagnetics are talked about is through attraction and repulsion. Electromagnetics often are the pull that we have with each other, the glue, or the stickiness of the relationship. “This person has what I need.” One Gate is always looking over to the other side of the Channel for the Gate that it doesn’t have. Then, someone shows up in your life and you’re like “They have this thing that I need and I’ve been looking for. It must be good, right?” This is a good situation, but it’s also a situation you can find yourself stuck in. That’s where it becomes more of this energy of repulsion, as Ra would sometimes describe it, where the thing that initially drew or pulled you to the person becomes the thing you struggle with or feel like you can’t get away from.
Amy: I would say with an Electromagnetic Channel, I often feel, especially at first, like you’ve got one end of something and the other person has the other and it’s a draw. It might also be that you come in contact with somebody who has the other end of a Channel for you and it’s not a flavor that you like. You don’t like their particular flavor of that and you might not be attracted to it there.
When there is attraction through the Electromagnetic in a relationship, I think what you’re pointing to is that it can often initially that can feel like a strong pull. It can feel like a strong magnetism. Over time, that can sometimes start to feel confining. It’s not necessarily that it feels bad, but it feels limited. In the same way that any Channel Definition that we have is a limitation. It’s a specific, fixed aspect of the Design. In a relationship chart, the Electromagnetics are fixed aspects of the relationship. If you enjoy them and you continue to enjoy them, then that can work great.
You may also find over time that there are points you hit where you’re interested in other flavors of that frequency. They can start to feel like a limitation. I think the question there is more about if you still enjoy it. Does it still work for you? Do you still respond to it in a way that feels satisfying? Do you still feel invited to be a part of the relationship? However that works for you, it is a limitation. It can be either a limitation that you enjoy or not.
John: That’s a good way of putting it. What about the last one, compromise?
Amy: The last one is everyone’s favorite. The Compromise Channel is what happens when one person has a full Channel and the other person has one Gate within that Channel. That’s a place where, unlike with Dominance, you see your partner has a Channel that you don’t have and you can just respect and admire them for it. You can see that it’s not your thing; that’s their thing, and they’re doing it. When there’s a compromise, you have a part of that frequency, but you don’t have the full Channel.
What that tends to mean is that it’s a place where the person with the full Channel compromises the person with half of the Channel. That can set up a dynamic, where at first it can feel like an electromagnetic. It can feel like an attraction point for the person who’s compromised, for the person who has one Gate. Over time, you can start to realize the person who has the full Channel actually doesn’t need you. They don’t need you in this realm and you’re not that welcome in it; they’re doing their own thing. They have their own fixed life force through this whole Channel. You feel like you ought to be a part of it, because you have half of it, but you’re not really welcome there.
In any of our Designs, wherever we have a full Channel, it’s a closed system, that’s a closed area in us. It means that’s our zone, that’s our realm. It’s a place where we have a fixed way of being. What can happen in a relationship is that the person who is compromised can feel like they want to try to have influence in that theme in the theme of that Channel, but they never really can. If you keep trying, if you keep going to that theme, to try to take part and compete with the partner who has the full Channel, you’ll probably find it becomes a really sore spot.
The Compromise Channels tend to be places where we see couples get into arguments that loop, that go around and around. You can never get to the bottom of it. You can never fix it, you can never make it better. If you’ve been with someone for a long time, you start to recognize it. It’s like, “Oh god, we’re going down this wormhole again. Oh no, we’re going to have this argument again.” Often compromises have that kind of feeling to them over time.
John: That’s like the sore spot in the relationship. Going back to what you were saying about electromagnetics and how the Gate wants the other Gate at the other end of the Channel. If the mind comes in and starts trying to have the whole Channel or get the other part of the Channel to be the Gate that it doesn’t have, then it’s the equivalent of continuing to poke that sore spot in the relationship again and again.
As you’re saying, maybe to have a certain amount of influence or to compete on a certain level sets up the situations that really can be the deal breakers in relationships. If the person keeps going back there, it becomes this question of awareness, seeing the underlying pattern, seeing the dynamic, and then accepting that this is what it is. We’re not going to change it. You don’t change the underlying mechanics. You can maybe change your relationship and say, “Alright, we’re not going to go there or there. We’re doing it again. Let’s do something else. Let’s go for a walk or let’s connect another way or try something else. Let’s have a different experience, but let’s stop poking that same thing because it’s not going to change.”
Amy: I think that’s an area where we can see where our own stubbornness, vanity, or expectations interfere with having peace with each other. I can give an example, I can use my mother, as an example. My mother has the Channel 18/58, which is the Channel of Judgment. It goes from the Root to the Spleen, it’s a Design of insatiability. Anyone who has this whole Channel has a very fixed instinct about what to correct and a particular drive and energy to want to fix it. These are people who tend to have their own vision of what can be corrected and their own drive to do it, to fix it, and to make it better. I just have Gate 18, so I have half of that Channel.
In those relationships, before I realized that, I would find that these are people in my life who would often correct the way I was doing something. I would try to get them to use their energy to fix something the way I saw that it should be fixed or corrected. What I’ve had to learn over time is to accept that people who have that Channel will have their own instincts about what’s correct. It’s different than mine. I’m probably not going to be able to influence them to get them to use their energy for the things I want to correct.
If I keep holding on to that expectation of like “I want to interact with this corrective energy,” then I set myself up to keep failing. I’ll keep being disappointed in the interaction. Whereas if I accept that she’s got her energy, she’s got her own sense of judgment and awareness there, and that she’s got her own drive for what she wants to use her energy for, that’s probably not a place where I’m going to be able to interfere with her or influence her very much.
I just don’t go there. I let go of that expectation. I let go of that fight. It’s like the pick-your-battles thing. That’s not a battle to pick. I can’t win that one. If I keep trying to, I’ll probably find that I keep bringing some experience of damage into the interaction because I’ll keep feeling like I’m inadequate in some way or like she’s hurting me because she’s not giving me what I want, or doing it the way I want it to be done. That leads to a lot of unnecessary suffering when it’s not her fault. It’s not her fault that she has this fixed life force on her. She’s going to do what she needs to do. That’s what she’s designed for.
John: You can’t blame the other person for being themselves. You can, it’s possible, but it won’t help. It’s not very productive. Thinking of examples, Ra gave the example of the Channel of Acceptance of Design of Organizational Beings, which is a 17/62. That was the compromise that he had with his wife, apparently. Ra had the 62 but lacked the 17. He would talk about it in a humorous way like he was always the idiot. He could have all this knowledge he could-
Amy: Thousands of students all around the world.
John: Thousands of students, doing all this, literally changing the world, but he’s an idiot.
Amy: At home, he’s an idiot.
John: At home, he’s an idiot. Don’t go there. That humor element can be really important. When you start seeing that pattern set up again, or you start seeing that loop established, change your attitude towards it. Change your relationship to it or your perspective. You might be able to inject some humor towards yourself or humor towards the other.
You brought up this great metaphor the other day about game theory about playing a video game or something and going into a room and seeing that the same algorithm is playing out again and again in this room. Every time you go to the chest and open that box, it’s like, “This is a thing that happens.” Well, maybe do something different, or don’t go into that loop again.
Amy: Stop expecting it to be different, and either accept defeat or don’t go in that room. I love how Ra handled that because he just said he was secure enough with himself and accepting enough of his own nature and his partner’s nature to say, I’m not going to influence her opinion. She’s got that Channel, she thinks for herself. It’s a fixed, closed life force energy. I’ll never be anything but an idiot in relation to that, so I accept that realm. I’m the idiot, and she’s always right. I think we have to either accept defeat, or not go there expecting a different outcome, but don’t go into that theme and expect it to play out differently.
I love thinking of relationships as a game because then it stops being about, “Is this relationship right or wrong? Is it good or bad?” It’s more like this is the game of this relationship. These are the features of it. These are the different rooms that exist. These are the different tools that exist in this game. It’s not about thinking that you can alter the rules of the game, it’s more just to find out, “Are you creative? Is this still correct enough for you to keep playing it? Are you done with it? Do you need to play a different game?” It doesn’t mean anybody’s right or wrong or good or bad. It’s just what’s happening. It just is what it is.
John: Maybe that’s what it all comes down to. We started here and it seems like we’re kind of finishing here at this place of acceptance of the self and the other. No blame, entering into relationships correctly. What are the other practical takeaways from this?
Amy: Letting go of expectations, being willing to see what the similarities and differences are between you and another individual. Don’t turn that into a source that somebody has to change. In some ways, let’s assume nobody’s going to change. Then, just look and see what we have in common. What goes easily for us? What do we enjoy here? Where are the pain points? Where are those downward spirals?
One of my favorite relationship therapists used to say: if you’re in an argument with your partner, and you catch that you’re in one of those looping arguments, if you’re the first one to realize it, then it’s on you to decide to lose. Let the other person win when there’s no extent of the fight that will get you somewhere different. Just let go. Let it be what it is and then see what you have in common, where you can come together, and understand each other. Realize that you have similar natures and enjoy that.
John: I might add that relationships have timestamps. Not every relationship can last indefinitely, forever until the end of life. You can’t look at relationships that did not last indefinitely as a failure. Yes, maybe certain relationships are highly significant in our lives and they last five minutes. A five-minute conversation with someone at the grocery store can really change things. Some relationships last years, and some last decades, but the timeline or the timespan should not be a statement or judgment, importance, significance, or value of that relationship or whether it was successful or not.
Amy: We think we have a lot more control over when people come in and out of our lives than we actually do. When you mentioned this timestamp thing, I think something that Human Design points to is that there are certain trajectories that we’re on. There are certain players that come in and out of our lives for certain amounts of time. We might think we’re in control of that, but personally, from looking at my own life and a lot of people through Design, I think we probably have a lot less control over that than we realize. What we can influence, however, is how much we suffer through the process. So, for as long as someone is in our lives, or for how they go, that’s where we have an opportunity to really lessen the suffering around it all.
