On Success, from an Emotional Projector
When I first came to design (or it came to me) – I think it was 2013. I had no idea what I had just encountered. A couple of years prior, I had seen a friend looking at coworkers’ charts and was instantly captivated by the image of the BodyGraph. By the time I got my first full reading, my life felt so full with alternate studies that I had no sense of actually pursuing or integrating the information into my daily life, much less imbibing it on a deep level, or finding myself drawn to integrate the nuance, and the multi-dimensional, felt sense of it weaving through my psyche and relationships.
At the time of my first reading, I was traveling back and forth from Colorado to California to study Transformational NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming). During the reading, I was at my AirBnB in California, the evening after a long training day. The analyst said things about the significance of place for me, having an open G center. He talked about how there is no truth in the now for an emotionally defined being, and that with all my openness, I’m highly attuned and sensitive to my environment. He encouraged me to give myself permission to walk out of things if they didn’t feel right (undefined Spleen) – places, relationships, agreements. I recall soaking it up like a sponge, while also watching ideas bounce off and ricochet around in my mind and body, as something inside me tried to dodge the discomfort of dissonance with who I thought I was.
Fast forward several years of saturating myself in the world of NLP and Family Constellations. As I began to individuate from that environment, I felt myself fall deeply into contemplation with the Gene Keys (whose transmission came by way of a long-time student of Human Design). I spent the next 18 months focused on traversing the “Golden Path,” studying and considering the poetic and bittersweet experience of my own life – with all of its shadows and gifts. I kept the book next to my bed and read the keys in the evenings before going to sleep. It was also during this time that a dear friend got sick and progressed into the reality of terminal cancer, and passed away. (Talk about unraveling conditioning and releasing the crystal matrix!)
It seems my dance with the Gene Keys (which I was invited into by that friend who passed, and another, who had a very similar energetic signature) guided me back to its roots – in the cosmological map of Human Design. It was in being with Amy (one of our intrepid Human Design Collective analysts) at a birthday gathering, where we started talking about our shared projector type, and something was fiercely ignited in me to dive into a more intensive, self-guided study of design.
All this to say, I’ve noticed my drive to study comes in waves, of its own accord – true to form. Each time I revisit the information with great focus, it’s something of a magical experience. I can see how the time in between has been rich with exploration and integration, while also shaping life experience, and giving me material to sort through about what it really means to live as ourselves.
In my most recent fervor, I can feel the fire ignited, lighting up the matrix of my relationships and empowering me to be devoted to the practice of crafting an environment of correctness for my life to unfold. I’m speaking even more frankly and honestly, providing a bedrock of permission to just say no (as much as anyone can) to the not-self. I have found this to be an even greater initiation when immediately surrounded by, and living with powerful generators with various authorities! While the streaming and amplification of another’s aura is a function of interacting in this world, the recognition of it creates a kind of richness and perspective that brings both a kind of satisfaction and a potent intensity. It’s like speaking a foreign language, sometimes desperately wanting everyone around me to understand. In my brighter moments, I hang out as a passenger, just watching for the openings and the generosity of life to invite us, individually, deeper into the fold.
While there are no retrogrades happening at the moment, I’m finding that old relations have been coming out of the woodwork as if to say “Here you go! Here are some more things for you to be clear about. Here are some perfect circumstances to practice your Strategy and Authority, and face all the things you haven’t been clear about.” In many ways, it’s very exciting and energizing! I can feel the quickening and the pressure of mutation. It seems some mutative light is now cracking through the limitation of the old context. (I’m writing this during the latter end of a several-month activation window, as Uranus and the South Node transit through the Channel of Mutation, the 3/60.)
Early on, as a projector, I had ideas and hopes about what success would mean for me. Right now, this is what it feels like: Holding on through the pressurized darkness and being observant enough in the waiting to recognize how life is both coming to meet me here, and guiding me along the way. This is an interactive game, where even the spectators are part of the sport. With a mutable identity and an open Head center, I come in and out of times of doubt and confusion. It’s just part of the process. This makes it ever more sweet when there’s enough awareness available to see a little more of what’s really going on, in the “illusion of our separateness.”
In this world as we know it, it seems that it is an uncommon blessing to live in the breath…to wait for the next breath, not to hurry along and prove that I’m “doing something.” There is much going on inside – all the time!! And today, I’m grateful to feel the gift of this chapter – the space to feel all the feels, and the heightened states induced by synchronicity. I turn my inquiry back to the grand experiment of life with greater trust, having access to hope that both mundane and spectacular invitations will continue to arrive when I am tending to my awareness and calling for correctness in my life. Perhaps this is the cause that is worthy of my attention – the call for Correctness. And the greatest invitation of all – Life itself. Not a bad inquiry for the mind to chew on while the initiation/mutation is (still) underway.
Kendra can be reached for consultations and sessions at www.kendracurrent.com
